


...that I was an Avenger

by Squire7



Series: I had a dream [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hoodie, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Steve Rogers has issues too, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-09-20 11:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17022042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Squire7/pseuds/Squire7
Summary: Tony Stark has some serious mental health issues (it's okay because Steve has some too) and Steve helps him through itThings you need to know:Tony is 14 and super smart, Steve is 14 tooCivil war happened when they were 9 and 10IW was when they were 11 and 12They haven't spoken since IWTony took Steve's hoodie and Steve didn't notice because he put it away because it reminded him of TonySteve and Tony used to be BEST FRIENDSThey now go to SHIELD highThis is a Stony ficHoward Stark Jr Jr is Tony's twin brother and has ISSUES





	1. Hoodie

**Author's Note:**

> Fic inspired by songs: Hoodie (Hey Violet), Kiss me before I lose my mind (Charlie Puth), Heroes (We could be (Alesso)), Symphony (Zara Larsson), Clarity (Zedd), Lovely (Billie Ellish)  
> It's not a songfic but you can listen to them while reading, it adds effect
> 
> I'm Back!!!

Tony hasn’t slept in 36 hours. He’d asked Jarvis. Howard had gone to bed hours ago, having tinkered with Tony for the first 24 hours before getting tired.   
But Tony needed to keep going. Howard Sr was coming back in another 12 hours, and his first day of year 10 was tomorrow.  
He would see Steve again, and Steve would look away like he couldn’t bear to even see Tony. Then he would go hang around with his friends- Sam, Bucky, Scott, Clint, Wanda, Pietro.  
Even Peter occasionally hangs out with him now, because they’re both on the cross-country team. And Nat! Tony thought he would be safe with Nat.  
Tony pulls on Steve’s old Captain America hoodie and zips it up, right up to the very top where it jams- it does this every time. He puts one of the strings in his mouth, and chews on it thoughtfully. It still smells like Steve- like his minty cologne, and paint and cinnamon buns and HOME.  
Tony knows he should eat something, or sleep, but if he stops even for a second, it’ll all come crashing down, he’ll remember what Steve did, he’ll remember Howard’s coming back, he’ll see all the pictures in his mind.

Steve Rogers notices that Tony stark is wearing the Captain America hoodie right away. Tony steps out of the car and waves as it drives away, while Steve watches form his perch on the fence.  
It’s red, white and blue with the crest and everything. Steve notices the avengers symbol is still there. The jersey fits tony better now, better than it did when he was 10 years old and it was practically hanging off him. One of the strings is in his mouth and he looks from side to side as he crosses the road. He gets the other side, spots Steve, trips over the gutter and falls on his face.  
Steve jumps off the fence and onto the footpath and jogs over to where Tony is sitting up with his hand over his nose.  
“Are you okay?!” Steve exclaims.  
“For all intents and purposes, no.” Tony groans. “Owwww…”  
“Here, like this.” Steve moves Tony’s hand up to the bridge of his nose and tilts his head back. “It stops it bleeding so much. D’you want to go to the nurse?”  
“Yeah, that might be helpful, Rogers.” Tony says.  
“Ah, so we’re back to last name basis, are we Stark? Anyway, can you stand up?”  
Tony does so but leans against Steve. Steve’s shirt is covered in blood, but Tony’s somehow managed to keep most of the blood of his hoodie (Steve’s hoodie). Steve’s face is aflame, but he needs to get Tony to the nurse. 

Tony Stark is sitting on the fence at the front of SHIELD high, waiting for Jarvis and Howard Stark Jr. Jr. to get there, when he hears footsteps behind him.  
“Hey Rhodey pie you really shouldn’t-” Tony turns to face Steve and his eyes widen.  
“Hey Tony.” Steve says. Tony’s eyes narrow, and the starts to talk again.  
“Are you here about the hoodie? Because if so, you’re not getting it back. Definitely not. I like this hoodie- I can see why you used to wear it almost every day. You surprised I kept it? Me too.” Tony is rambling and Steve thinks it’s adorable. “– and now I’m rambling, aren’t I? Oh well, you’re not vetting the hoodie back, is the point.”  
Steve smiles. “That’s not what I’m here for, Tony.”  
Tony looks surprised. “It’s not?”  
“No.” Steve replies. “I’m here because when you saw me today, you tripped and fell on your face, and had to go to the nurse with a bleeding nose and I wanted to check you were okay.”  
“Oh. Ohhhhh.” Tony says. “Yeah, I’m fine Capsicle, nothing’s broken or anything..”  
“You sure? It was bleeding a lot.” Steve asks.  
“Sorry about getting blood all over your t-shirt.” Tony apologised.  
“Nah, it’s all good. I just had to run home and grab another one. My house is only a few blocks away anyway.” Steve replies.  
“‘Kay then. You know I’m fine now. Go. Shoo. You’re not supposed to interrupt me while I’m thinking!  
“You know that never worked on me, Tony.”  
Tony feels tears gathering in his eyes and his chest starts to tighten. He turns away from Steve before the tears start to fall. Tony puts the string of the hoodie in his mouth and bites down to keep from screaming. He feels Steve’s big arms wrap around his waist but he shakes them off.  
“Steve, please leave.”  
“Bye Tony.”  
Tony is shaking.  
“Sir, you heart rate has increased dramatically.” Tony feels Jarvis’ hand on his knee. “Would you like me to fetch Master Howard?”  
But Tony can’t reply because he’s too busy trying to keep from screaming.  
He pulls the hood of the hoodie over his head and pulls it over his face, and the world fades away until the only think Tony can hear is his own breathing.

Howard Stark Jr. Jr. ( He’s called JJ, not Howard, never Howard) jumps out of the car as soon as Jarvis turns around.  
Tony’s got Steve’s hoodie down over his face and his breathing is rapid and uneven.  
“Tony? Hey Buddy.”  
“Hey, JJ.” Tony’s mouth moves, but his voice is devoid of expression.  
“Can you name five things for me?”  
Tony simply shakes his head, and Howard just holds him until the screaming in his head stops and the tears stop coming. 

“I’m sorry I let him in.” Howard tells Tony later.  
“’s okay. You didn’t know I would react like that, H.”  
Howard detaches himself from Tony, then retreats to his side of the lab.  
Tony sits on the bench as the memories slowly stop flooding his mind. Tony knows he should eat something, or sleep, but if he stops even for a second, it’ll all come crashing down, he’ll remember what Steve did, he’ll remember Howard’s coming back, he’ll see all the pictures in his mind. 

 

That night Howard Jr. is back and Tony’s Mum and dad have a fight. He’s not sure what it’s about, because he’s buried deep under the covers with JJ, wishing this didn’t happen every night, because he needs sleep, goddamnit! They’re both desperately hoping Howard Jr won’t come into their room afterward to take out his anger on them.  
“Tony?” Howard whispers. “What did Steve want today?”  
“He wanted to know if I was okay after my fall. I had a bleeding nose and he helped me to the nurse’s office.” Tony replies, equally as quiet.  
“Really? What did you trip over this time? Howard asks sarcastically.  
“I swear, it wasn’t Hammer or anybody! I just tripped over my own feet!”  
His voice raised slightly, though not enough to be about a whisper.  
Howard raised his eyebrows.  
“I saw Steve. Tony admitted. I realised I was wearing his hoodie- the avengers one? - and freaked for a second and tripped. And got a bleeding nose. That’s all.”  
“Okay fine, just asking.”  
Abruptly they both stiffen as the shouting stops, followed by a large CRASH coming from the direction of their parents’ bedroom. Tony can hear Howard’s rich Italian leather shoes click clacking down the hallway.  
They move quickly- Tony jumping out of Howard’s bed and rushing to stand beside his, Howard quickly making his bed- and they both stand at attention until Howard Jr. comes in.  
Howard Stark Jr has a large stride, and he quickly makes his way over to the two boys.  
“So, Anthony. I heard that you were home all of 15 minutes LATE yesterday? You don’t want to end up grounded, do you?” Tony flinched invisibly at the word. His father took grounding seriously- no school or any human contact barring the person bringing him food.  
“No, Father. Tony replies evenly.  
“Good.” Howard Jr. smiles. Then do not disobey me EVER AGAIN!” At the last two words his face scrunches up and his voice turns from even to harsh and raises in volume. “Come here, Anthony.” He says, his voice back to its usual level timbre. Tony steps forward. Howard slaps him across the face, making Tony stumble backwards and almost fall. Howard lays into him as Tony stands there, as stoic as he can. Thankfully, he doesn’t fall over, though by the end of it he’s about to.  
Howard nods at the boys and leaves.

Later, after Howard Jr. has gone to bed, JJ patches Tony up. He unwinds the bandages around his torso, revealing a medley of scars and bruises- the most prominent of which are still red and bleeding. He reapplies the healing salve that he’s made himself, and gives Tony some painkillers. Then he wraps Tony up again.  
“You’ll need to get up early tomorrow, I’ll have to cover up that-” he points to the hand shaped mark on Tony’s face. “-and reapply everything else. I’ll wake you. Okay?”  
“’kay.” Tony replies sleepily (The ibuprofen always makes him tired) and slumps down onto his bed, still wearing his jeans and sneakers.  
Howard just sighs, takes Tony’s shoes off and pulls the covers up over him.  
Tony’s hair is spread like a halo around his head.  
Howard kisses his brother’s forehead.  
“Goodnight, Brother.”

 

Howard shakes Tony awake the next morning.  
Tony groans. “Couldn’t this have waited five minutes? Or an hour?”  
“No, Tony. We need to put on this stuff before we have to go to school!”

Howard sits Tony down on the bed and begins to make up his face. The bags under his eyes will disappear, and the marks on his face will look like they were never there.  
Usually Howard and Tony would be silent while doing this part of their routine, but today Howard had something he wanted to say.  
“Tony, if I told you I was gay, would you explode?” He asks.  
Tony promptly explodes. Well, almost. He stares at Howard for a few seconds.  
“You’re not kidding.” It’s a statement, not a question.  
“No.”  
“Everything in my life makes sense now.” Tony says. “Except Steve. Steve is unexplainable.”  
Howard snorts. “Well, that’s true.”  
“My first piece of valuable advice: don’t tell dad!” Tony exclaims.  
Howard just raises his eyebrows.  
Tony smiles and holds out his wrists. Howard hands over the healing salve and gets Tony to rub it in. If nothing else, it should make the bleeding stop.  
Howard turns around to rummage in his drawer to find a bandage. They’re invisible, and his and Tony’s collaborative design. Howard presses one to his own scarred wrist before handing another to Tony.  
“You know, you’re going to make an amazing doctor.” Howard hears the words before the arms encircle his waist.  
“Thanks, Tony.” He turns and returns the embrace, letting a few tears leak out into Tony’s shoulder before letting go.  
“Sirs,” Jarvis says over the intercom, “are you ready to leave?”  
“Yeah Jarvis, we’ll be right down.” Tony says before Howard can get a word in. “Screw breakfast.” He grabs his iron man hoodie from the closet.  
Howard rolls his eyes, then hands his school bag. “Don’t skip lunch again.”  
“Okay fiiiiiine.”  
They walk down the stairs.  
“I mean it, you haven’t had breakfast!”  
“Theoretically, a person can make three weeks without food. Missing one or two meals won’t kill me!”  
They slide into the back of the black Audi that Jarvis is at the wheel of. Jarvis wordlessly hands them both breakfast.  
"See, Jarvis agrees with me!" Howard exclaims.

They continue bickering until they arrive at SHIELD high, where Tony gets out. "Have a good day!" Howard calls out. "Will do!" Tony waves as the car drives away. Steve is sitting on the fence again.


	2. Japan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Howard is going to Japan and Tony explodes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY! I'm back!   
> I rethought my plot and also what I'm doing with my life, so I have another chapter (possibly two)!  
> I'm going to try to update every 1-2 weeks (don't try to make me write faster, it doesn't work)  
> Again, positive comments and constructive criticism are always welcome, don't read it to give me shit, if you're reading this and you know me fuck off (I'm looking at you Pot Plant).  
> Inspired by lost in Japan by Shawn Mendes and Africa by Toto
> 
> It's not quite as long as the other one- sorry! I have most of the next chapter written though, so should post that soon.

Steve is sitting on the fence again.  
Tony tells himself not to fall over, because the first time was embarrassing enough. 

Steve jumps down to the pavement and walks over to Tony.   
“Morning, Stark.”  
“Go away, Rogers.”  
“That’s not very nice.”  
“Shut up.”  
“Are you okay? You know-”  
“Again, shut up.  
“-after yesterday.” Steve continues.  
“Why do you care?”” Tony asks.   
“Because you’re my friend.” Steve states. 

“You stopped being my friend when your long-lost bud showed up and whisked you away!”  
“Well it’s not exactly my fault Bucky’s adoptive dad hits him!”  
Tony’s face holds the ghost of a smile.  
“You stopped being my friend when you stopped giving a fuck about me.”  
“Tony turns and walks away.”

\--------

Steve is sitting at his usual table at lunch and staring across at the old Avengers table, where Tony’s group sits now.   
He watches tony pass Peter ‘Spiderman’ Parker a sandwich under the table and quietly wonders how bad peter’s living situation really is. 

Bruce Banner comes in and Tony’s face lights up. He pats the empty seat next to him. Bruce smiles and sits down.  
Steve finds himself suddenly, inexplicably jealous. 

“Hey Stevie!” Bucky draws his attention.   
“Yeah Buck?”  
“What do you think of…”  
And the moment is gone. 

\---

Steve leaves the cafeteria right after Tony does. He has a feeling Tony won’t turn up to English, and Steve wants to take a walk to sort of out the shit in his head. He’s heading to the oak copse in the corner of the field because the trees are amazing for climbing and they’re one of the only places you can get quiet in the whole school. 

But it seems like someone else has discovered this too, because there is someone sitting on a branch just inside. They swing upside down to block Steve’s path, and Steve can see now that it’s JJ Stark, suspenders and all.   
“Hi JJ. What are you doing here?”  
“Hiya Steve. I was wondering if you could do me a favour?”  
“Yeah sure! So long as it’s not playing guinea pig for one of your crazy experiments again!”  
“nah. I’m going to Japan for a few weeks. I can’t keep an eye on Tony while I’m gone, because even with the most advanced tech in the world, calls can be traced. I want you to keep an eye on him for me.”  
Steve pauses. “You ARE aware that Tony and I aren’t speaking right now, aren’t you?”   
“Ye-es…”  
“Then why…”  
“Because he trusts you. And therefore, will tell you things. And I trust you. And I don’t know who else I can ask.”

Tony is sitting in the tree above them. 

He stopped listening at Japan, and is currently having a panic attack.

Howard checks his Stark watch. “Yeek! I gotta split before Fury spots me on the ridiculous amounts of cameras he has around here. Bye Steve!”  
“Bye JJ!”

Howard clips up onto the branch and swings away into the trees. 

Steve will never figure out he does that in loafers and a silk shirt.

Wait.

Cameras?!

\-----

“What the ACTUAL FUCK, Howard?!” Tony exclaims. 

Howard flinches.

“Please don’t call me that, Tony.”

“Well right now I FUCKING DON’T CARE! Japan?! Really?” He shouts.  
“Bu-”  
“No buts! And then you decided to tell STEVE before you told me!”  
“Tony. I just-”  
“WHAT DID I FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT BUTS?!”

So Howard (Hayley) sits in the car and takes it, because Tony is upset (and he has every right to be) and because JJ is SO grateful that Tony didn’t hear the rest of their conversation. 

(I am truly sorry, brother.)

\-----

Tony buries his face in Howard’s shirt.   
“Dad won’t let me come to the airport.” He tells JJ.  
“Hey, it’s okay!” Howard hugs him back.  
They’re both so FUCKING touch starved it makes Howard want to punch something.   
He tries to convince himself that they’ll both be fine, but he’s kidding himself. 

He doesn’t want to go.

“’s not.”   
“You won’t die. It’s only three weeks!”  
“Exactly!” Tony brings his face out from Howard’s shirt. “Three weeks is a lot!”   
“Don’t worry!”  
“How can’t I?”

\-------  
Howard leaves at 4 am to catch his flight.

 

Tony wakes up late and forgets for a moment that Howard isn’t there.

 

Howard can’t cry in front of his father, so as soon as they are at the hotel he locks himself in the bathroom and looks for his father’s razor.

 

Tony cries.

**Author's Note:**

> Whoever thought that Howard Jr Jr and Tony have a sexual relationship is WRONG because they are twins and tony has anxiety issues okay? JJ helps him get through it.  
> JJ has issues too. Read my other fic for those though.  
> Sorry to those people who are reading this early and I haven't published it yet  
> It will be coming soon (It's called halo)
> 
> Positive comments, kudos and constructive criticism are always welcome.  
> If you're reading this fic to give me shit, don't bother.
> 
> if anybody who knows me is reading this, fuck you and get off this tab.


End file.
